¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

The reason why and what can we do for people who are not active as the past

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*¼­
2023-01-15 1018

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

The reason why people are not active as the past is the world developed. As the world developed our lives became so convenient. For example we can delivered many things such as food,clothes,furniture and more.... We just sign and pay in the internet we can delivered.
It's very convenient so even though their not busy or they can't go the place for the situation. These behavior usually come from laziness, depression such like this. So if they aren't in the situation that they can't go the place for some reason, we should encourage to go outside. Because if we go outside we can relax and refresh our minds.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi there Sophia! You are so diligent in answering your essay! Continue the motivation you have! Have a great week! :) 
~ TEACHER GEMMA
The reason why people are not active as the past is the world developed.
>>> The reason why people are not active as in the past is the world's development.
 As the world developed our lives became so convenient.
>>>  As the world develops our lives become so convenient.
 For example we can delivered many things such as food,clothes,furniture and more....
>>>  For example we can have a lot of things to be delivered such as food, clothes, furniture and more.
 We just sign and pay in the internet we can delivered.
>>>  We just sign up and pay through the internet for our orders.
It's very convenient so even though their not busy or they can't go the place for the situation.
>>> It's very convenient even though they're not busy or they can't go to the place to order. 
 These behavior usually come from laziness, depression such like this. 
>>>  This behavior usually comes from laziness and depressions.
So if they aren't in the situation that they can't go the place for some reason, we should encourage to go outside. 
>>> So if they aren't in the situation where they can't go the place for some reasons, we should encourage them to go outside. 
Because if we go outside we can relax and refresh our minds.
>>> CORRECT
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
124820 Future ±è*¼ø ¿Ï·á 2023-01-12 1
124819 How do you feel about South Korea becoming a super-aged society... Ȳ*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2023-01-12 832
124818 ESSAY: Nowadays both men and women spend much money on beauty... È«*±â ¿Ï·á 2023-01-12 794
124817 My homework Àü*¼± ¿Ï·á 2023-01-12 1161
124816 What is your all-time favorite movie? ÀÌ*ÅÂ ¿Ï·á 2023-01-12 969
124815 Why do people greet each other? ±è*½½ ¿Ï·á 2023-01-12 912
124814 Will computers become smarter than humans one day? Is this a bad... ÀÌ*ÅÂ ¿Ï·á 2023-01-12 775
124813 What is the right age to introduce gadgets to children? Why? ÀÌ*ÅÂ ¿Ï·á 2023-01-12 667
124812 123 ¹Ú*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-01-12 894
124811 Homework ÇÔ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2023-01-12 1777
124810 Volunteer ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2023-01-12 1
124809 Should there be individual privacy for family members at home? ±è*°æ ¿Ï·á 2023-01-12 909
124808 Do you agree that the first impression lasts? Àå*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2023-01-12 988
124807 Car that is bestselling in our country ±è*À² ¿Ï·á 2023-01-12 887
124806 1/12 °í*Áø ¿Ï·á 2023-01-12 1
124805 My best weekend is go to swim. ¿À*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2023-01-12 1
124804 11.Jan.2023 ±è*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2023-01-12 3
124803 Which home appliance is your favorite? Why? ÀÓ*È£ ¿Ï·á 2023-01-12 0
124802 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-01-11 1869
124801 Good neighbor ±è*´Ô ¿Ï·á 2023-01-11 820

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04