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담당 강사 님께서 ‘문법 오류 교정’ 과 ‘더 나은 영어식 표현’으로 교정해주는
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Homework

작성자: 김*우
2023-01-15 472

회원님의 영작문

Hello, T.Donna.
Are you enjoying this weekend?
Yesterday, a lot of things happened.
Before Saturday work, I asked all staffs if someone want to be stay here instead of moving together.
Fortunately, no one told me about it.
However, after the work, 4 staffs came to me and they told me that they want to stay in this clinic.
Thus, I was so upset.
Meanwhile, we had a meeting with other doctors who joined our Franchise in the evening.
Actually, we were worried about one of Franchise clinic, because the clinic didn't show the development in the point of income for a long time.
But, we found that the clinic had an outstanding increase of income.
That's why we celebrated the clinic and the doctor who are working in that clinic.
We also talked about the plan to extend our Franchise and educational business.
I think I will change too much this year, of course positive way.
About my homework, glabella filler is the most difficult procedure.
Because the side effect is loss of vision.
See you.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Good evening, Dr. Kim!

Yes, I enjoyed my busy weekend. While I am checking this essay, I am watching a championship game of my favorite basketball team in the professional league. I love sports especially now that my team is winning! Anyway, your clinic has some issues again. Some of the not so good ones are manageable while the good news really calls for a celebration.

Naturally, some staff cannot really decide at an instant. After they thought about your question, they decided and told you eventually that they want to stay in your old clinic. Then, if you were in their shoes, you might understand that some people are not capable of quick changes. 

Congratulations to one of your franchise! They might have some practices that you can also apply to your new clinic when you move there. A good income means a great team work and satisfied patients or clients.

Then, continue the training and education of your staff. The more skillful they become, the better they can serve your patients. You will definitely undergo a lot changes this year and they are all for the best for your profession and your company.

Below, my common grammar suggestions are about the proper use of 'the', diction (the proper choice of words), and the use of pronouns so that you will not be redundant n your sentences. Overall, your ideas are very well organized and your message is so clear. Excellent job!

See you in the morning.

-T. Donna~

Hello, T.Donna.
>> Correct!

Are you enjoying this weekend?
>> Correct!

Yesterday, a lot of things happened.
>> Correct!

Before Saturday work, I asked all staffs if someone want to be stay here instead of moving together.
>> Before Saturday work, I asked all staff if someone wants to stay here instead of moving together.

Fortunately, no one told me about it.
>> Fortunately, no one told me that she wants to leave.

However, after the work, 4 staffs came to me and they told me that they want to stay in this clinic.
>> Correct!
Or: staff

Thus, I was so upset.
>> Correct!

Meanwhile, we had a meeting with other doctors who joined our Franchise in the evening.
>> Meanwhile, we had a meeting with the other doctors who joined our franchise in the evening.

Actually, we were worried about one of Franchise clinic, because the clinic didn't show the development in the point of income for a long time.
>> Actually, we were worried about one of the franchise clinics because it didn't show development in the point of income for a long time.

But, we found that the clinic had an outstanding increase of income.
>> Correct!

That's why we celebrated the clinic and the doctor who are working in that clinic.
>> Correct!
Or: That's why we celebrated the success of the clinic and the doctors who work there.

We also talked about the plan to extend our Franchise and educational business.
>> Correct!

I think I will change too much this year, of course positive way.
>> I think I will change too much this year, of course in a positive way.

About my homework, glabella filler is the most difficult procedure.
>> Correct!

Because the side effect is loss of vision.
>> Correct!

See you.
>> Correct!
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