¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Many countries are facing the problem of an \"aging population\", meaning there will soon be more ol

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ¹Ú*°æ
2022-10-11 2363

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

In my opinion, there will be several problems to point out.
First of all, with an aging population, the country's power of competition with other countries will decrease more and more. This is because, the country can develop by using workforces of the younger and middle-aged generation.
Apart from that, it would be a big burden for youngsters when it comes to tax. I mean, in order to take care of the elderly people, the government will impose lots of taxes on workers and it will have something to do with worker's qualities of their lives.
Lastly, when there are more elderly people than young people, the society would be conservative to some extent. That's why the society could not change flexibly so the younger generation will have a lot of responsibilities to live.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hello Jane!

Thank you for doing your homework. :)

I understand that English could be really difficult.

But it only takes faith and confidence in yourself to perfect it.

You are a smart person and I know that with constant practice you will do great¡¦ ^_^

Xoxo,

T. Christina ^^

Here are my corrections for you:


In my opinion, there will be several problems to point out.

>> In my opinion, there are several problems to point out.

First of all, with an aging population, the country's power of competition with other countries will decrease more and more. 

>> CORRECT!

This is because, the country can develop by using workforces of the younger and middle-aged generation.

>> This is because the country can develop with the workforces of the younger and middle-aged generation.


Apart from that, it would be a big burden for youngsters when it comes to tax. 

>> CORRECT!

I mean, in order to take care of the elderly people, the government will impose lots of taxes on workers and it will have something to do with worker's qualities of their lives.

>> I mean, in order to take care of the elderly people, the government will impose lots of taxes on workers and it will have something to do with the workers' quality of life.


Lastly, when there are more elderly people than young people, the society would be conservative to some extent. 

>> CORRECT!

That's why the society could not change flexibly so the younger generation will have a lot of responsibilities to live.

>> CORRECT!

¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
122633 Use the following phrases in creative sentences ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2022-09-27 1736
122632 homework ¹Ú*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-09-27 2
122631 Do you think children today are under more pressure? Why or why... ·ù*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-27 1299
122630 Tuesday Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-09-27 1423
122629 homework ÃÖ*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2022-09-27 901
122628 difficult ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-27 1
122627 What is your favorite song? Please tell me its message. ±è*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-27 2
122626 What is secondhand stress? ±è*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-27 2
122625 Hi Gemmar ÀÌ*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-09-27 3518
122624 Homework ÇÔ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-27 1
122623 What is the worst season in your country? ÀÓ*È£ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-27 1
122622 9/27 homewokr À±*Çö ¿Ï·á 2022-09-27 1241
122621 Travel Â÷*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-09-27 0
122620 Once someone said \"When you forgive, you in no way change the... Àü*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-27 3
122619 Is it better to go to popular tourist destinations or lesser... Àü*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-27 2
122618 What are some things you should do for a job interview? How... Àü*ä ¿Ï·á 2022-09-27 1352
122617 test ±è*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-26 1160
122616 9/26 HOMEWORK ÀÌ*À¯ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-26 906
122615 Homework ÀÌ*°æ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-26 1472
122614 homework ¹Ú*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2022-09-26 2

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04