¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Many countries are facing the problem of an \"aging population\", meaning there will soon be more ol

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ¹Ú*°æ
2022-10-11 2791

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

In my opinion, there will be several problems to point out.
First of all, with an aging population, the country's power of competition with other countries will decrease more and more. This is because, the country can develop by using workforces of the younger and middle-aged generation.
Apart from that, it would be a big burden for youngsters when it comes to tax. I mean, in order to take care of the elderly people, the government will impose lots of taxes on workers and it will have something to do with worker's qualities of their lives.
Lastly, when there are more elderly people than young people, the society would be conservative to some extent. That's why the society could not change flexibly so the younger generation will have a lot of responsibilities to live.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hello Jane!

Thank you for doing your homework. :)

I understand that English could be really difficult.

But it only takes faith and confidence in yourself to perfect it.

You are a smart person and I know that with constant practice you will do great¡¦ ^_^

Xoxo,

T. Christina ^^

Here are my corrections for you:


In my opinion, there will be several problems to point out.

>> In my opinion, there are several problems to point out.

First of all, with an aging population, the country's power of competition with other countries will decrease more and more. 

>> CORRECT!

This is because, the country can develop by using workforces of the younger and middle-aged generation.

>> This is because the country can develop with the workforces of the younger and middle-aged generation.


Apart from that, it would be a big burden for youngsters when it comes to tax. 

>> CORRECT!

I mean, in order to take care of the elderly people, the government will impose lots of taxes on workers and it will have something to do with worker's qualities of their lives.

>> I mean, in order to take care of the elderly people, the government will impose lots of taxes on workers and it will have something to do with the workers' quality of life.


Lastly, when there are more elderly people than young people, the society would be conservative to some extent. 

>> CORRECT!

That's why the society could not change flexibly so the younger generation will have a lot of responsibilities to live.

>> CORRECT!

¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
127305 4.10 homework ±Ç*¸² ¿Ï·á 2023-04-10 1133
127304 Homework ÇÔ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-10 1
127303 4/10 homework ÃÖ*º½ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-10 1171
127302 What¡¯s the best news you¡¯ve received over the phone? ±è*¸§ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-10 1050
127301 custody ±Ç*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-10 1213
127300 Love my daughter ±Ç*ÀÏ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-10 2
127299 Homework Á¤*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-10 1125
127298 What is your favorite book? ÀÓ*È£ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-10 1
127297 How we can encourage young generation to have children? Answer... ±è*Áø ¿Ï·á 2023-04-10 3
127296 Homework ÀÌ*°æ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-09 0
127295 what would life be like without weekends? ¹®*¿í ¿Ï·á 2023-04-09 783
127294 Give two advantages of the summerseason. ¿À*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-09 1
127293 Homework ÀÌ*°æ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-09 1
127292 Homework ÀÌ*°æ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-09 1
127291 how important is good greeting in korea? ¹®*¿í ¿Ï·á 2023-04-09 828
127290 Should violent video games be banned in South Korea? Why or why... ±¸*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-04-09 1316
127289 Should students stop wearing school uniforms? Why or why not? ±¸*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-04-09 989
127288 Should animal testing be outlawed? Why or why not? ±¸*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-04-09 1517
127287 Should people be more concerned about In particular? ±è*±¹ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-09 2
127286 What do you think is the disadvantage of using solar power? ±è*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2023-04-09 0

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04