¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Many countries are facing the problem of an \"aging population\", meaning there will soon be more ol

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ¹Ú*°æ
2022-10-11 2874

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

In my opinion, there will be several problems to point out.
First of all, with an aging population, the country's power of competition with other countries will decrease more and more. This is because, the country can develop by using workforces of the younger and middle-aged generation.
Apart from that, it would be a big burden for youngsters when it comes to tax. I mean, in order to take care of the elderly people, the government will impose lots of taxes on workers and it will have something to do with worker's qualities of their lives.
Lastly, when there are more elderly people than young people, the society would be conservative to some extent. That's why the society could not change flexibly so the younger generation will have a lot of responsibilities to live.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hello Jane!

Thank you for doing your homework. :)

I understand that English could be really difficult.

But it only takes faith and confidence in yourself to perfect it.

You are a smart person and I know that with constant practice you will do great¡¦ ^_^

Xoxo,

T. Christina ^^

Here are my corrections for you:


In my opinion, there will be several problems to point out.

>> In my opinion, there are several problems to point out.

First of all, with an aging population, the country's power of competition with other countries will decrease more and more. 

>> CORRECT!

This is because, the country can develop by using workforces of the younger and middle-aged generation.

>> This is because the country can develop with the workforces of the younger and middle-aged generation.


Apart from that, it would be a big burden for youngsters when it comes to tax. 

>> CORRECT!

I mean, in order to take care of the elderly people, the government will impose lots of taxes on workers and it will have something to do with worker's qualities of their lives.

>> I mean, in order to take care of the elderly people, the government will impose lots of taxes on workers and it will have something to do with the workers' quality of life.


Lastly, when there are more elderly people than young people, the society would be conservative to some extent. 

>> CORRECT!

That's why the society could not change flexibly so the younger generation will have a lot of responsibilities to live.

>> CORRECT!

¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
128165 homework 05.11 ÃÖ*Ç ¿Ï·á 2023-05-11 887
128164 Homework ±è*¶õ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-11 1
128163 What was the best gift that you received on your birthday? ¹Ú*Çö ¿Ï·á 2023-05-11 1376
128162 The most enviable thing about rich people is they can make a lot... ÀÌ*¿õ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-11 2
128161 When was the last time you had difficulty beating your deadline?... ±è*±¹ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-11 1
128160 Homework ±è*¼÷ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-11 854
128159 An animal that I want to be ¼Û*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-05-11 1327
128158 If you could change any one of your physical characteristics,... ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2023-05-11 1357
128157 Having a good university degree guarantees people a good job? Do... ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2023-05-11 1355
128156 ¡°accidentally on purpose¡± ±è*À± ¿Ï·á 2023-05-11 1234
128155 Homework Àå*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-11 1
128154 Do you want to help poor children? How? ¾Ù* ¿Ï·á 2023-05-11 1
128153 Homework ¹Ú*Àº ¿Ï·á 2023-05-11 0
128152 Homework Àå*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-11 1
128151 Write down answer about \\\\The first impression\\\\ ±è*Áø ¿Ï·á 2023-05-11 6
128150 What places in your country would you recommend for foreign... ±è*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2023-05-11 1351
128149 Homework ½Å*È­ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-11 976
128148 Homeschooling ¾ç*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-11 1026
128147 \"The price of greatness is responsibility.\" ¹Ú*°æ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-11 921
128146 Homework ÇÔ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-11 1205

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04