¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Many countries are facing the problem of an \"aging population\", meaning there will soon be more ol

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ¹Ú*°æ
2022-10-11 2691

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

In my opinion, there will be several problems to point out.
First of all, with an aging population, the country's power of competition with other countries will decrease more and more. This is because, the country can develop by using workforces of the younger and middle-aged generation.
Apart from that, it would be a big burden for youngsters when it comes to tax. I mean, in order to take care of the elderly people, the government will impose lots of taxes on workers and it will have something to do with worker's qualities of their lives.
Lastly, when there are more elderly people than young people, the society would be conservative to some extent. That's why the society could not change flexibly so the younger generation will have a lot of responsibilities to live.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hello Jane!

Thank you for doing your homework. :)

I understand that English could be really difficult.

But it only takes faith and confidence in yourself to perfect it.

You are a smart person and I know that with constant practice you will do great¡¦ ^_^

Xoxo,

T. Christina ^^

Here are my corrections for you:


In my opinion, there will be several problems to point out.

>> In my opinion, there are several problems to point out.

First of all, with an aging population, the country's power of competition with other countries will decrease more and more. 

>> CORRECT!

This is because, the country can develop by using workforces of the younger and middle-aged generation.

>> This is because the country can develop with the workforces of the younger and middle-aged generation.


Apart from that, it would be a big burden for youngsters when it comes to tax. 

>> CORRECT!

I mean, in order to take care of the elderly people, the government will impose lots of taxes on workers and it will have something to do with worker's qualities of their lives.

>> I mean, in order to take care of the elderly people, the government will impose lots of taxes on workers and it will have something to do with the workers' quality of life.


Lastly, when there are more elderly people than young people, the society would be conservative to some extent. 

>> CORRECT!

That's why the society could not change flexibly so the younger generation will have a lot of responsibilities to live.

>> CORRECT!

¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
120387 What do you like to watch on TV? ±è*°â ¿Ï·á 2022-07-03 479
120386 Did you feel more handsome when you wore make-up? ±è*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2022-07-03 3
120385 What is your favorite Korean tradition? Share your answer in a... ÀÌ*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-07-03 729
120384 homework ÀÌ*¾Ö ¿Ï·á 2022-07-03 2
120383 Homework ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2022-07-03 1
120382 Homework ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2022-07-03 1
120381 Homework ÀÌ*°æ ¿Ï·á 2022-07-03 590
120380 What is one mistake you\'ve done that you don\'t want to happen... ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2022-07-02 487
120379 What presents when I give in parents day to parents. ±è*¼º ¿Ï·á 2022-07-02 574
120378 What I put on my hand ±è*¼º ¿Ï·á 2022-07-02 329
120377 What can I do in amusement park. ±è*¼º ¿Ï·á 2022-07-02 331
120376 Why do you think research and development are important? How can... ¹®*Çö ¿Ï·á 2022-07-02 712
120375 homework and advice ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-07-02 538
120374 7/1 HOMEWORK ÀÌ*À¯ ¿Ï·á 2022-07-01 314
120373 Homework ±è*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2022-07-01 476
120372 Homework ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-07-01 460
120371 Homework ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2022-07-01 0
120370 homework ÀÌ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-07-01 813
120369 Which drama or movie touched you the most? Why? ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-07-01 664
120368 homework ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-07-01 429

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04