¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Many countries are facing the problem of an \"aging population\", meaning there will soon be more ol

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ¹Ú*°æ
2022-10-11 2468

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

In my opinion, there will be several problems to point out.
First of all, with an aging population, the country's power of competition with other countries will decrease more and more. This is because, the country can develop by using workforces of the younger and middle-aged generation.
Apart from that, it would be a big burden for youngsters when it comes to tax. I mean, in order to take care of the elderly people, the government will impose lots of taxes on workers and it will have something to do with worker's qualities of their lives.
Lastly, when there are more elderly people than young people, the society would be conservative to some extent. That's why the society could not change flexibly so the younger generation will have a lot of responsibilities to live.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hello Jane!

Thank you for doing your homework. :)

I understand that English could be really difficult.

But it only takes faith and confidence in yourself to perfect it.

You are a smart person and I know that with constant practice you will do great¡¦ ^_^

Xoxo,

T. Christina ^^

Here are my corrections for you:


In my opinion, there will be several problems to point out.

>> In my opinion, there are several problems to point out.

First of all, with an aging population, the country's power of competition with other countries will decrease more and more. 

>> CORRECT!

This is because, the country can develop by using workforces of the younger and middle-aged generation.

>> This is because the country can develop with the workforces of the younger and middle-aged generation.


Apart from that, it would be a big burden for youngsters when it comes to tax. 

>> CORRECT!

I mean, in order to take care of the elderly people, the government will impose lots of taxes on workers and it will have something to do with worker's qualities of their lives.

>> I mean, in order to take care of the elderly people, the government will impose lots of taxes on workers and it will have something to do with the workers' quality of life.


Lastly, when there are more elderly people than young people, the society would be conservative to some extent. 

>> CORRECT!

That's why the society could not change flexibly so the younger generation will have a lot of responsibilities to live.

>> CORRECT!

¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
121935 Abortion Â÷*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-08-27 2
121934 Bothering ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-27 1
121933 Who takes after your daughter? ¹Ú*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-27 999
121932 homework ¹Ú*Çö ¿Ï·á 2022-08-27 1223
121931 Video Games Â÷*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-08-27 2
121930 8/26 HOMEWORK ÀÌ*À¯ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-26 2834
121929 Homework ±è*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-26 575
121928 HW : What was the best book you have ever read? ±è*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-26 627
121927 Whose opinion matters to you the most? ÀÌ*ÅÂ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-26 538
121926 homework ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-26 1090
121925 homework ¹Ú*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2022-08-26 4
121924 homework Á¤*È£ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-26 0
121923 Do you think that knowing a foreign language might encourage you... ·ù*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-26 504
121922 Caleb\'s homework for 26 Aug 2022. ±Ç*È£ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-26 923
121921 Friday homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-08-26 667
121920 What do you think of wellness institutions and their programs? ±¸*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-08-26 613
121919 The kindest person I know. ±è*À± ¿Ï·á 2022-08-26 1085
121918 homework ¹Ú*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-26 4
121917 homework ¹Ú*Çö ¿Ï·á 2022-08-26 880
121916 My dream ±è*À² ¿Ï·á 2022-08-26 1

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04