¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

What do you think of cosmetic surgery?

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: Àü*ä
2022-10-04 2499

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

I don't prefer the cosmetic surgery. But I also tried the cosmetic surgery.
I tried double eyelid surgery. Nowadays the double eyelid surgery is common thing. And I think this is the problems. Any surgery are dangerous. It couldn't be a common, or light things. Young people are want to try cosmetic surgery to be make a beautiful face, body. It is a sad phenomenon.
I think they watched beautiful stars on TV shows, or on Youtube.
Also It would be a disadvantages of media.
Cosmetic surgery has a serious side effects. If it comes, they would be lose
their face and never turn back. We should be learn this part before to be a adult. Excessive surgery should be avoided. Natural is the best.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi there, Eun Chae!
Thank you for accomplishing this writing activity.  Keep on practicing English because every day you learn new vocabulary and patterns.  It's better you do something to improve instead of delaying the results. ^^

~T. Maine


I don't prefer the cosmetic surgery. 
>>I don't prefer cosmetic surgery. 
But I also tried the cosmetic surgery.
>> But I also tried doing it. 
I tried double eyelid surgery. 
>>Correct. 
>>Or: I had double eyelid surgery. 
Nowadays the double eyelid surgery is common thing. 
>> Nowadays, this kind of surgery is very common among Koreans. 

And I think this is the problems. 
>> And I think this is a problem. 

Any surgery are dangerous. 
>>All surgeries are dangerous. 

It couldn't be a common, or light things. 
>> It couldn't be considered a common thing or something normal. 

Young people are want to try cosmetic surgery to be make a beautiful face, body. 
>> Young people want to try cosmetic surgery to have a beautiful face and body. 

It is a sad phenomenon.
>>Correct. 

I think they watched beautiful stars on TV shows, or on Youtube.
>> I think they watched a lot of beautiful stars on TV shows or on YouTube. 
>>OR: They might be influenced by entertainers online or through media. 

Also It would be a disadvantages of media.
>> It is also the disadvantage of media. 

Cosmetic surgery has a serious side effects.
>> Cosmetic surgery has many serious side effects. 

 If it comes, they would be lose
their face and never turn back. 
>> It it happens, they might lose their face and never turn back. 

We should be learn this part before to be a adult.
>>We should learn this part beforehand to become a matured person. 

 Excessive surgery should be avoided.
>> Excessive surgery should be avoided.
>> Or: Surgery is meant for people who had serious accident effects on their body. 

 Natural is the best.
>> Correct. 

¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
117760 Homework ÀÌ*ºó ¿Ï·á 2022-03-28 137
117759 cafe ±Ç*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2022-03-28 162
117758 Why do you think there is a high suicide rate in your country? ¼Û*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-03-28 1
117757 HOMEWORK ¹®*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2022-03-28 396
117756 What was the best photo you have taken before? ¼Û*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-03-28 1
117755 What was the best thing that happened to you this week? ÀÌ*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2022-03-28 1
117754 1. I have four windows to clean before she comes back. a. window... Àå*¼ö ¿Ï·á 2022-03-28 368
117753 Would the world be a better place if everyone was a vegetarian?... ±è*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2022-03-28 261
117752 HOMEWORK ÀÓ*ÃÑ ¿Ï·á 2022-03-27 1
117751 homework Á¤*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2022-03-27 1
117750 Homework ¹æ*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2022-03-27 270
117749 What do you think about \"Dutch treat\"? ¼­*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2022-03-27 1
117748 In one word, how would you describe BTS now that you have... ¼Û*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-03-27 2
117747 Do you have any vice? ±è*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2022-03-27 1
117746 The weekends ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2022-03-27 1
117745 homework ÀÌ*¾Ö ¿Ï·á 2022-03-27 4
117744 Natural disaster ÀÌ*°æ ¿Ï·á 2022-03-27 523
117743 What do you think is the best TV show and why? ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2022-03-26 937
117742 I hate violent students ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-03-26 3
117741 What was the best thing for you this week? ÃÖ*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2022-03-26 343

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04