¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

How My Parents Maintain a Good Health

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*¿í
2022-09-14 599

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

My parents usually climb a mountain to maintain their health. Walking through the paths to the top of the mountain, their legs muscles are strengthened, their lungs are healthier.

My parents eat nuts, like macadamia or walnuts. They have plenty of unsaturated fats, that can be easily decomposed in our bodies.

My parents usually spend their time in outdoor. They meet their friends in gathering, or social club. These outdoor activities can prevent my parents from getting old early. Also it can preserve their mental health.

In my opinion, these can make my parents happier, so they enjoy these activities. Using their time on activities that they like, Eating something they want, they are managing their stresses, and it's the path to the live longer.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Thank you for taking the time to answer your homework today, Jason. I liked your composition today, you've expressed yourself well using complete sentences with complete thoughts. I liked how you started your sentence, these are good patterns. Please review my corrections carefully, and then try to take notes of the corrections which you have noticed from them. Again, thank you and have a great day ahead! :)


My parents usually climb a mountain to maintain their health.
>> My parents usually climb mountains to maintain their health.
Walking through the paths to the top of the mountain, their legs muscles are strengthened, their lungs are healthier.
>> Walking along the paths to the top of the mountain, their leg muscles are strengthened and their lungs become healthier.
My parents eat nuts, like macadamia or walnuts.
>> Correct.
They have plenty of unsaturated fats, that can be easily decomposed in our bodies.
>> Correct. OR They have plenty of unsaturated fats, that can easily be decomposed in our bodies.
My parents usually spend their time in outdoor.
>> My parents usually spend their time outdoors.
They meet their friends in gathering, or social club.
>> They meet their friends in gatherings or in social clubs.
These outdoor activities can prevent my parents from getting old early.
>> Correct.
Also it can preserve their mental health.
>> Also, it can improve their mental health.
In my opinion, these can make my parents happier, so they enjoy these activities.
>> Correct. OR In my opinion, these can make my parents happier, that's why they enjoy these activities.
Using their time on activities that they like, Eating something they want, they are managing their stresses, and it's the path to the live longer.
>> Using their time on activities that they like and eating something they want helps them in managing their stress, and it's the path to a long life.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
122406 If you had to choose between a satisfying job and a well-paid... ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-17 1252
122405 Friend ±è*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-16 1199
122404 9/16 HOMEWORK ÀÌ*À¯ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-16 1492
122403 book ±è*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-16 907
122402 homework ¹Ú*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2022-09-16 2
122401 Homework ±è*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-16 2723
122400 How many different dances do you know? Are there any traditional... ±¸*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-09-16 1328
122399 homework ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-16 799
122398 What new technology could you not live without? ÅÂ*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-16 1637
122397 homework Á¤*È£ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-16 0
122396 homework Á¤*È£ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-16 0
122395 homework ◡̈ ¹Ú*Çö ¿Ï·á 2022-09-16 1022
122394 What is the general feeling towards police in your country, is... ·ù*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-16 1738
122393 Think of a problem that you have encountered and tell me how you... ¹Ú*ÅÂ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-16 1637
122392 Friday homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-09-16 1180
122391 What was your unforgettable experience at work? Describe the... ¹Ú*ÅÂ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-16 1913
122390 Hi Gemmar ÀÌ*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-09-16 2225
122389 What kind of festival would you organize if you could only have... ±è*°æ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-16 958
122388 Homework ÇÔ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-16 2
122387 What time of the day do you like the most, morning, afternoon,... Àå*¼ö ¿Ï·á 2022-09-16 757

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04