¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

How My Parents Maintain a Good Health

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*¿í
2022-09-14 664

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

My parents usually climb a mountain to maintain their health. Walking through the paths to the top of the mountain, their legs muscles are strengthened, their lungs are healthier.

My parents eat nuts, like macadamia or walnuts. They have plenty of unsaturated fats, that can be easily decomposed in our bodies.

My parents usually spend their time in outdoor. They meet their friends in gathering, or social club. These outdoor activities can prevent my parents from getting old early. Also it can preserve their mental health.

In my opinion, these can make my parents happier, so they enjoy these activities. Using their time on activities that they like, Eating something they want, they are managing their stresses, and it's the path to the live longer.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Thank you for taking the time to answer your homework today, Jason. I liked your composition today, you've expressed yourself well using complete sentences with complete thoughts. I liked how you started your sentence, these are good patterns. Please review my corrections carefully, and then try to take notes of the corrections which you have noticed from them. Again, thank you and have a great day ahead! :)


My parents usually climb a mountain to maintain their health.
>> My parents usually climb mountains to maintain their health.
Walking through the paths to the top of the mountain, their legs muscles are strengthened, their lungs are healthier.
>> Walking along the paths to the top of the mountain, their leg muscles are strengthened and their lungs become healthier.
My parents eat nuts, like macadamia or walnuts.
>> Correct.
They have plenty of unsaturated fats, that can be easily decomposed in our bodies.
>> Correct. OR They have plenty of unsaturated fats, that can easily be decomposed in our bodies.
My parents usually spend their time in outdoor.
>> My parents usually spend their time outdoors.
They meet their friends in gathering, or social club.
>> They meet their friends in gatherings or in social clubs.
These outdoor activities can prevent my parents from getting old early.
>> Correct.
Also it can preserve their mental health.
>> Also, it can improve their mental health.
In my opinion, these can make my parents happier, so they enjoy these activities.
>> Correct. OR In my opinion, these can make my parents happier, that's why they enjoy these activities.
Using their time on activities that they like, Eating something they want, they are managing their stresses, and it's the path to the live longer.
>> Using their time on activities that they like and eating something they want helps them in managing their stress, and it's the path to a long life.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
121611 Which is more comfortable: sleeping alone or sleeping with... Àü*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-16 2
121610 Tell us something interesting about yourself ¹é*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2022-08-16 557
121609 Daily essay À±*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-16 5
121608 What is the significance of the holiday today? ÀÌ*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-16 320
121607 homework À±*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2022-08-15 741
121606 When people are wealthy or successful, do they have a special... ±è*°æ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-15 986
121605 My hardship ±è*°â ¿Ï·á 2022-08-15 409
121604 What is the best thing about being married? ±è*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2022-08-15 1
121603 Homework ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-15 824
121602 What are some reasons why privacy is important for you? ¹é*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-08-15 433
121601 What comes to mind when you hear the word ¡°rent¡±? ±è*Áö ¿Ï·á 2022-08-15 717
121600 What cartoons do young people watch today? Ȳ*º° ¿Ï·á 2022-08-15 906
121599 My son\'s room ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-15 2
121598 Today\'s adolescents Â÷*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-08-15 2
121597 What do you think is the best job? How about the worst job? ±¸*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-08-15 509
121596 Tell me your favorite music genre and the reason you like it. ¼­*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-15 908
121595 homework ¹Ú*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-08-15 0
121594 What are some reasons why privacy is important for you? ±è*°â ¿Ï·á 2022-08-15 1246
121593 Homework ±è*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2022-08-15 1
121592 What do you think are the most important qualities a president... ¹é*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2022-08-15 355

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04