¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Homework

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*¿ì
2022-09-02 631

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Hello, Donna.
I was so busy today, but I was satisfied.
This afternoon, I went to some of our Franchise clinic, and I helped make a good medical system.
Actually, they started the clinic many years ago.
However they couldn't achieve their goal about income.
Hence, they decided to join our Franchise around two months ago.
After that, we tried to grow up that clinic.
I gave many advises to them, and they accepted all immediately.
That's why I felt good.
I'm sure they can achieve their goal not too long.
Okay, now I do my homework.
I rented many things for my house.
As you know, I rented my car, water purifier, and even this house.
There is one more thing.
Can you guess?
I also rented an electrical massager.
This machine tap my body, especially posterior neck and back.
That movement make me feel so comfortable.
When I am so tired, I like to ride on that, and it can relax my body.
It's very nice.
I recommend this machine.
I hope you would try that.
Thank you.
Catch you soon.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Good day, Dr. Kim!

Busy is very good. Whenever you mention that you had a long day, I think that you had a meaningful and productive one. All of these sacrifices an painstaking ordeals are dedicated to your family and your future. Then, stay being helpful and being a clinic model to others. This just means that yours is the best in its practices.

Owning something gives us the sense of pride in financial strength. However, in times when this is not pratical, we  should better rent for the perks of services and warranty. This way, we can save time and do away with stress.  Consequentlty, we have to be responsible in handling the things we rented, even more the things be bought to own. I have tried an electric chair massager before in the mall and it was no doubt enjoyable and ultimately relaxing.

You have written your composition with clarity, organization, and good grammatical structures. The word 'franchise' to refer to your clinic is a common noun. It becomes a capital letter when you mention the name of your franchise as "Dr. Kim's Franchise Clini" or "Incheon Franchise. Meanwhile, there are uncountable nouns that do not form their plural by adding -s or -es. Thus, "pieces of advise" is the right plural form for this noun. Finally, be keen with your subject-verb agreement as "That movement make -> That movement makes". For the rest of my suggestions, please read them carefully below. Excellent piece of writing!

See you in a few!

-T. Donna~
Hello, Donna.
>> Correct!

I was so busy today, but I was satisfied.
>> Correct!

This afternoon, I went to some of our Franchise clinic, and I helped make a good medical system.
>> Correct!

Actually, they started the clinic many years ago.
>> Correct!

However they couldn't achieve their goal about income.
>> Correct!

Hence, they decided to join our Franchise around two months ago.
>> Correct!
Or: franchise

After that, we tried to grow up that clinic.
>> After that, we tried to make that clinic grow.

I gave many advises to them, and they accepted all immediately.
>> I gave many pieces of advise to them, and they accepted them all immediately.

That's why I felt good.
>> Correct!

I'm sure they can achieve their goal not too long.
>> Correct!
Or: I'm sure they can achieve their goal (not too long/ shortly/ fast/ in no time).

Okay, now I do my homework.
>> Correct!

I rented many things for my house.
>> Correct!

As you know, I rented my car, water purifier, and even this house.
>> Correct!

There is one more thing.
>> Correct!

Can you guess?
>> Correct!

I also rented an electrical massager.
>> Correct! 
Or: I also rented an electric massager.

This machine tap my body, especially posterior neck and back.
>> This machine taps my body, especially my posterior neck and back.

That movement make me feel so comfortable.
>> That movement makes me feel so comfortable.

When I am so tired, I like to ride on that, and it can relax my body.
It's very nice.
>> Correct!

I recommend this machine.
>> Correct!

I hope you would try that.
>> Correct!

Thank you.
>> Correct!

Catch you soon.
>> Correct!
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
120676 What is the name of the disease you fear most? Why? ÇÑ*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2022-07-12 4
120675 What I\'m afraid about ±è*¿± ¿Ï·á 2022-07-12 781
120674 If you could be invisible for a couple of hours, what would you... ±è*°æ ¿Ï·á 2022-07-12 275
120673 homework ¹Ú*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2022-07-12 2
120672 What do you do to look after your skin? Do you like the color of... ÅÂ*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2022-07-12 669
120671 Homework ÀÌ*°æ ¿Ï·á 2022-07-12 305
120670 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-07-12 320
120669 What is your favorite room in your house? Why? ±è*°â ¿Ï·á 2022-07-12 213
120668 Do you think robots or AI will replace human teachers in the... ·ù*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-07-12 402
120667 s it better for kids to have siblings? ä*¼® ¿Ï·á 2022-07-12 229
120666 Tuesday Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-07-12 312
120665 Where is your favorite place to shop for clothes? And why? ÃÖ*±³ ¿Ï·á 2022-07-12 691
120664 Previous class review. (Top Gun etc.) À¯*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2022-07-12 2
120663 Homework ÇÔ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-07-12 0
120662 Smokers Â÷*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-07-12 1
120661 homework ¹Ú*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-07-12 0
120660 Hi Gemmar ÀÌ*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-07-12 504
120659 Hi Gemmar ÀÌ*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-07-12 247
120658 My children ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2022-07-12 3
120657 Homework ÀÌ*¸í ¿Ï·á 2022-07-12 2

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04