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영작교정 게시판

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What do you think could be done to control if not decrease the violent crimes that are happening in

작성자: 문*현
2022-07-23 426

회원님의 영작문

From my perspective, there are various reasons behind the uptick in violent crimes happening in South Korea, such as economic recession, gender inequality, paternalism, etc. Since it is not limited to one factor, there could be multidisciplinary strategies to tackle the problem. I would focus on gender inequality. Korean society has been deeply influenced by Confucian culture, which confirms the division of each gender role in the society. However, the rising demand has allowed legislation to be enacted, such as preventing gender discrimination during the hiring and promotion procedures. I believe Korean society must gradually shift to gender equality through a constantly expanding learning curve. However, some intellectuals are politicizing the issues. Recently, there was an incident where a female student was found dead after being harassed by a classmate. Some congresspeople politicized such an incident as a clash between men and women, which exacerbated misunderstanding.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Thank you for this Aciel!

From my perspective, there are various reasons behind the uptick in violent crimes happening in South Korea, such as economic recession, gender inequality, paternalism, etc. 
>>> correct   
Since it is not limited to one factor, there could be multidisciplinary strategies to tackle the problem. 
>>> correct
I would focus on gender inequality. 
>>>  correct  
Korean society has been deeply influenced by Confucian culture, which confirms the division of each gender role in the society. 
>>>  The Korean society has been deeply influenced by the Confucian culture, which confirms the division of each gender role in the society. 
>>>  OR: The Korean society has been deeply influenced by Confucianism, which distinguishes the division of each gender role in the society.  
However, the rising demand has allowed legislation to be enacted, such as preventing gender discrimination during the hiring and promotion procedures. 
>>>  correct  
I believe Korean society must gradually shift to gender equality through a constantly expanding learning curve. 
>>>  I believe Korean society must gradually shift to gender equality through a constant expansion of learning curve. 
>>> OR:   I believe Korean society must gradually shift to gender equality through constantly expanding learning curve. 
However, some intellectuals are politicizing the issues. 
>>>  correct    
Recently, there was an incident where a female student was found dead after being harassed by a classmate. 
>>>   correct   
Some congresspeople politicized such an incident as a clash between men and women, which exacerbated misunderstanding.
>>>Some congressmen politicized such an incident as a clash between men and women, which exacerbated misunderstanding.  
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