¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Why do people become criminals? What are the causes of crime? Are some people born bad or do they be

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±Ç*¿ø
2022-07-20 309

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

I always think that environment has an impact on people's growth.
The people being loved by their parents a lot have a low possibility to commit a crime.
On the other hand, the people who are kicked out of their parents have a high possibility to commit a crime. It was proved by many kinds of research.
Especially, if the people are juveniles yet, the possibility to commit a crime will increase because they can't get a job.
Of course, they can do a part-time job, but they will get low salaries.
For these reasons, juveniles start to commit a crime.
They can't get education properly, so they might not enter a university.
These people can become criminals even if they become adults because they can't do anything except crimes.
Nobody was bad when they were born. Their personality is the result of their environments.
That's why I claimed that the death penalty system should be executed because we should use our taxes for poor juveniles, not for criminals.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Well done, Jiwon. I only had a few suggestions and minor mistakes but other than those, it was very well thought out and given a lot of effort. Keep it coming! I'm already looking forward to the next one. ~Teacher Jane c", 


I always think that environment has an impact on people's growth. 
>> CORRECT =) 

The people being loved by their parents a lot have a low possibility to commit a crime. 
>> CORRECT =) 
OR>> The people who received a lot of love from their parents have a low possibility to commit a crime. 

On the other hand, the people who are kicked out of their parents have a high possibility to commit a crime. 
>> On the other hand, the people who are kicked out of their parents' homes have a high possibility to commit a crime. 

It was proved by many kinds of research. 
>> CORRECT =) 

Especially, if the people are juveniles yet, the possibility to commit a crime will increase because they can't get a job. 
OR>> Especially, if the people are juveniles yet, the possibility to commit a crime will increase because they can't get a job. 

Of course, they can do a part-time job, but they will get low salaries. 
>> CORRECT =) 

For these reasons, juveniles start to commit a crime. 
>> CORRECT =) 

They can't get education properly, so they might not enter a university. 
>> They can not get a proper education so they might not enter university. 

These people can become criminals even if they become adults because they can't do anything except crimes. 
>> These people can become criminals even if they become adults because they can't do anything except commit crimes. 

Nobody was bad when they were born. 
>> CORRECT =) 
OR >> Nobody was born bad. 

Their personality is the result of their environments. 
>> CORRECT =) 

That's why I claimed that the death penalty system should be executed because we should use our taxes for poor juveniles, not for criminals.
>> CORRECT =) 

¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
123838 HOMEWORK: What affects your levels of happiness? Does your... ¾Ù* ¿Ï·á 2022-11-28 5
123837 HOMEWORK: Do you ever shop on the internet? What is your opinion... ¾Ù* ¿Ï·á 2022-11-28 4
123836 homework ¹Ú*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-11-28 0
123835 Homework(11/18) ¿¡*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2022-11-28 6
123834 When was the last time you got sick this year? ±è*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2022-11-28 1
123833 Do you agree that Apple and Google should both be penalized due... ±è*¹® ¿Ï·á 2022-11-28 1453
123832 Monday Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-11-28 1181
123831 Very thanks Â÷*ºó ¿Ï·á 2022-11-28 0
123830 obesity ±Ç*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2022-11-28 1498
123829 Homework ÇÔ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-11-28 1
123828 Images ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2022-11-28 1
123827 My migraine ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2022-11-28 1
123826 writing about punishment ±è*½Ä ¿Ï·á 2022-11-28 1472
123825 25.Nov.2022 ±è*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2022-11-28 2
123824 What would it be like to live in a house on the beach? ÀÓ*È£ ¿Ï·á 2022-11-28 1
123823 Why is honesty important? ±è*¼º ¿Ï·á 2022-11-27 3
123822 Your country is best at which sports? Why is it strong at these? ¾ç*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-11-27 1836
123821 What are some expectation parents have for their children? ±è*¼º ¿Ï·á 2022-11-27 1
123820 What are some foods that are considered unhealthy. ±è*¼º ¿Ï·á 2022-11-27 109
123819 When was the last time you were in a fever-pitched crowd? ±è*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2022-11-27 3

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04