¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Disadvantages of Technology

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ¹Ú*°æ
2022-05-16 133

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Technology makes our lives convenient but I think it makes human lazy. Because we can do everything with our smartphones, we don't have go outside or move. And when we don't move and exercise, our body will become unhealthy.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hello Ariel!

Thank you for doing your homework. :)

I understand that English could be really difficult.

But it only takes faith and confidence in yourself to perfect it.

You are a smart person and I know that with constant practice you will do great¡¦ ^_^

Xoxo,

T. Christina ^^

Here are my corrections for you:


Technology makes our lives convenient but I think it makes human lazy. 

>> Technology makes our lives convenient but I think it makes humans lazy. 

Because we can do everything with our smartphones, we don't have go outside or move. 

>> CORRECT!

And when we don't move and exercise, our body will become unhealthy.

>> In addition, when we don't move and exercise, our body will become unhealthy.

¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
120041 What is your favorite summer activity? ±è*ºó ¿Ï·á 2022-06-21 603
120040 Tuesday Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-06-21 790
120039 homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-06-21 700
120038 homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-06-21 507
120037 homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-06-21 336
120036 home work ÃÖ*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2022-06-21 1167
120035 Do you like shopping for yourself or for others? ±è*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2022-06-21 5
120034 Which one is more comfortable: living in the urban areas or... Ȳ*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2022-06-21 482
120033 my location (Since the Opic is a speaking test, I will do my... ¼­*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2022-06-21 677
120032 HOMEWORK ¹Ú*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-06-21 490
120031 What can you say about the fathers taking more part in caring... Ȳ*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2022-06-21 582
120030 I\'ve never tried it, but I want to try it. ±è*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2022-06-21 407
120029 Are there any activities that you used to do but don\'t do... ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-06-21 907
120028 Can you name restaurants in your area that serve food from other... ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-06-21 0
120027 Family responsibilities, zombi movie. À¯*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2022-06-21 519
120026 Homework ÇÔ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-06-21 1
120025 homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-06-21 629
120024 What kind of food will you not eat? ¹Ú*¾Æ ¿Ï·á 2022-06-21 369
120023 No kids ±Ç*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2022-06-21 401
120022 Weakness ½É*Çý ¿Ï·á 2022-06-21 4

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04