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What is your opinion about the increasing number of unmarried Koreans in their 20s who don’t want to

작성자: 황*하
2022-05-13 155

회원님의 영작문

It is kind of international movement that young people don't want to get married due to the child rearing expenses. Prices are continously increasing around the world and the polarization of wealth has become more serious. It was possible to be successful,if people studied hard for their future life. However, it is almost impossible to get better job for poor people than rich people because children under the wealthy family receive more qualitive education from private tutors, in contrast poor people are not affordable to get better education.
Parenting is also problem for young people because couples are usually working in this era so many parents ask their mom to take care of their children. If they don't have any family members who can bring up their children, they should hire nanny that might need a lot of money. In addintion, we have countless problem like enterance fee of university, house price and aging society ect.I think adults must understand it and have to provide solution

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Good day, Sir Hwang!
Thank you so much for taking time in answering the question. Your ideas and opinions are on point. Keep it up! :)
~ T. Camille

It is kind of international movement that young people don't want to get married due to the child rearing expenses. 
>> CORRECT!
Prices are continously increasing around the world and the polarization of wealth has become more serious. 
>> CORRECT!
It was possible to be successful, if people studied hard for their future life. 
>> CORRECT!
OR >> It was possible to be successful, if only people studied hard for what kind of life would they want in the future. 
However, it is almost impossible to get better job for poor people than rich people because children under the wealthy family receive more qualitive education from private tutors, in contrast poor people are not affordable to get better education.
>> However, it is almost impossible to get better job for poor people than rich people because children under the wealthy family receive more quality education from private tutors, in contrast poor peoplecan't afford to get better education.
Parenting is also problem for young people because couples are usually working in this era so many parents ask their mom to take care of their children. 
>> Parenting is also a problem for young people because couples are usually working in this era, so many parents ask their moms to take care of their children. 
If they don't have any family members who can bring up their children, they should hire nanny that might need a lot of money. 
>> If they don't have any family members who can look after their children, they should hire a nanny that might need a lot of money. 
In addintion, we have countless problem like enterance fee of university, house price and aging society ect.
>> In addition, we have countless problems like university entrance fees, house price and aging society, etc.
I think adults must understand it and have to provide solution
>> I think adults must understand it and have to provide solutions to this problem.
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