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영작교정 게시판

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What kind of medicine would you like to be discovered/invented?

작성자: 신*진
2022-03-14 469

회원님의 영작문

Personally, what I want is the medicine for hair loss. Of course I have abundant hair, but sometimes, whenever my hairs are pulled out, it makes me nervous about my future. Hair loss is a great problem for everyone. Nobody can be free from aging and hair loss is one of the phenomenon of aging. Furthermore hair loss brings out a huge image change. It must be in the negative way. I don't want to undergo that process. And then, I wish the medicines for incurable diseases can be invented soon. It is a great hardship for every patients who suffer from incurable diseases to endure day by day. If I could choose between inventing hair loss medicine and the medicines for incurable diseases, I would choose the medicines for incurable diseases without any hesitation. I hope the day when everyone can be truly free from all kinds of diseases will come soon. But still, the medicine for hair loss is extremely important for world-wide peace. Please somebody invents those kinds of medicine.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hello, Sue! Reading your answer really gives me more understanding of how good you are in writing. I hope those medicines will be found!-Faith-
Personally, what I want is the medicine for hair loss. 
>> CORRECT
Of course I have abundant hair, but sometimes, whenever my hairs are pulled out, it makes me nervous about my future. 
>> Of course I have abundant hair, but sometimes, whenever my hair fall out, it makes me nervous about my future. 
Hair loss is a great problem for everyone. 
>> CORRECT
OR Hair loss is everyone's common problem.
Nobody can be free from aging and hair loss is one of the phenomenon of aging. 
>> Nobody can be free from aging and hair loss is one of the phenomena of aging. 
Furthermore hair loss brings out a huge image change. 
>> Furthermore, hair loss brings out a huge image change. 
It must be in the negative way. 
>> CORRECT
I don't want to undergo that process. 
>> CORRECT
And then, I wish the medicines for incurable diseases can be invented soon. 
>> CORRECT
It is a great hardship for every patients who suffer from incurable diseases to endure day by day. 
>> It is a great hardship for every patient who suffer from incurable diseases and endure pain every day. 
If I could choose between inventing hair loss medicine and the medicines for incurable diseases, I would choose the medicines for incurable diseases without any hesitation. 
>> CORRECT
OR However, if I were to choose between them, I will definitely go for the medicines for incurable diseases.
I hope the day when everyone can be truly free from all kinds of diseases will come soon. 
>>  CORRECT
OR I am looking forward to that day where everyone will be healed.
But still, the medicine for hair loss is extremely important for world-wide peace. 
>> But still, the medicine for hair loss is extremely important for worldwide/one's peace. 
Please somebody invents those kinds of medicine.
>> Can somebody invent those kinds of medicine please?
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