¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Avoid watching news is the way to lose our stress.

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*ÁØ
2022-02-23 688

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Watching the news is very important to me. I¡¯m a director in a company. So, when I manage that, I need lots of information related to my business. I usually get lots of information from customers, or by the internet, or by watching news programs.

But when I watched the news by TV, sometimes, I felt stressful because the news ware really bad news those are a violence, a war, even fake news, or too biased news like that
sometimes, too repetitive news, even the news was important.

And then, I usually changed the channel

I think the news is important and necessary but we have to live our life
A lot of the news has not happened in my life or in my neighborhood.
So we need to know the present age, but we don¡¯t have to worry too much

that¡¯s why, I think avoid watching news is the way to lose our stress.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hello Elliot!

Thank you again for sharing your take on stressful news. I agree with you. Even I, honestly do not watch the news that much anymore. Especially with the spread of fake news, I don't even know what to believe anymore.

For today's corrections, I am so happy that the corrections reduced a lot! Do observe that again, there are some long sentences which will be better if they are separated into 2. Also, don't forget to use periods (.) to end your sentences.

Great job on this one! Keep it up!
-Teacher Violet


Watching the news is very important to me. 
>>CORRECT!

I¡¯m a director in a company.
>>CORRECT!

So, when I manage that, I need lots of information related to my business. 
>>CORRECT!

I usually get lots of information from customers, or by the internet, or by watching news programs.

>> I usually get lots of information from customers, through the internet, or by watching news programs.


But when I watched the news by TV, sometimes, I felt stressful because the news ware really bad news those are a violence, a war, even fake news, or too biased news like that
sometimes, too repetitive news, even the news was important.
>> But when I watch the news on TV, sometimes, I feel stressed because the news is really bad news about violence, war, even fake news or very biased news. (Do you mean like this? :) )Sometimes, they get repetitive even if the news is important.

And then, I usually changed the channel
>> And then, I usually change the channel.

I think the news is important and necessary but we have to live our life

>> I think the news is important and necessary but we have to live our lives.


A lot of the news has not happened in my life or in my neighborhood.
>>CORRECT!

So we need to know the present age, but we don¡¯t have to worry too much that¡¯s why, I think avoid watching news is the way to lose our stress.
>> So we need to know the present age, but we don¡¯t have to worry too much. That¡¯s why, I think avoiding watching news is one way to lose/reduce our stress.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
115954 homework ÀÌ*ºó ¿Ï·á 2022-01-27 435
115953 Homework ÇÔ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-27 2
115952 What exotic food would you like to try? À±*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-27 1
115951 Is there a difference in friendship between your male friends... ÀÌ*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-27 2
115950 Do you think dogs should be banned from parks? Why? º¯*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2022-01-27 454
115949 Who is the teacher that inspired you the most when you were... ¹Ú*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-27 385
115948 Do you still practice Korean celebrations while living in... ¼­*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-27 1
115947 Why do you think people sell secondhand products these days? ½Å*¾Æ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-27 1
115946 What is your thought about a four-day workweek? ¾ö*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-27 125
115945 Is it okay to have plastic surgery even if you\'re a minor? ½Å*¾Æ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-27 1
115944 Do you think pets are good for a person\'s health? ±Ç*À± ¿Ï·á 2022-01-27 0
115943 Which one do you think is better, living alone or with someone? ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2022-01-27 1332
115942 How do you feel about making choices for other people? ¾ç*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-01-26 313
115941 Which one do you think is better, living alone or with someone?... Ȳ*º° ¿Ï·á 2022-01-26 684
115940 Do you enjoy having people over to your house? ÀÌ*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-26 227
115939 resume_ request to review È«*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2022-01-26 7
115938 It is easy to be worse the global warming, but it\'s hard to... ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-01-26 496
115937 What do you use to help you plan? A smartphone application?... ½Å*ÈÄ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-26 318
115936 homework ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-26 820
115935 Homework ¿À*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-01-26 1433

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04