¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Avoid watching news is the way to lose our stress.

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*ÁØ
2022-02-23 516

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Watching the news is very important to me. I¡¯m a director in a company. So, when I manage that, I need lots of information related to my business. I usually get lots of information from customers, or by the internet, or by watching news programs.

But when I watched the news by TV, sometimes, I felt stressful because the news ware really bad news those are a violence, a war, even fake news, or too biased news like that
sometimes, too repetitive news, even the news was important.

And then, I usually changed the channel

I think the news is important and necessary but we have to live our life
A lot of the news has not happened in my life or in my neighborhood.
So we need to know the present age, but we don¡¯t have to worry too much

that¡¯s why, I think avoid watching news is the way to lose our stress.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hello Elliot!

Thank you again for sharing your take on stressful news. I agree with you. Even I, honestly do not watch the news that much anymore. Especially with the spread of fake news, I don't even know what to believe anymore.

For today's corrections, I am so happy that the corrections reduced a lot! Do observe that again, there are some long sentences which will be better if they are separated into 2. Also, don't forget to use periods (.) to end your sentences.

Great job on this one! Keep it up!
-Teacher Violet


Watching the news is very important to me. 
>>CORRECT!

I¡¯m a director in a company.
>>CORRECT!

So, when I manage that, I need lots of information related to my business. 
>>CORRECT!

I usually get lots of information from customers, or by the internet, or by watching news programs.

>> I usually get lots of information from customers, through the internet, or by watching news programs.


But when I watched the news by TV, sometimes, I felt stressful because the news ware really bad news those are a violence, a war, even fake news, or too biased news like that
sometimes, too repetitive news, even the news was important.
>> But when I watch the news on TV, sometimes, I feel stressed because the news is really bad news about violence, war, even fake news or very biased news. (Do you mean like this? :) )Sometimes, they get repetitive even if the news is important.

And then, I usually changed the channel
>> And then, I usually change the channel.

I think the news is important and necessary but we have to live our life

>> I think the news is important and necessary but we have to live our lives.


A lot of the news has not happened in my life or in my neighborhood.
>>CORRECT!

So we need to know the present age, but we don¡¯t have to worry too much that¡¯s why, I think avoid watching news is the way to lose our stress.
>> So we need to know the present age, but we don¡¯t have to worry too much. That¡¯s why, I think avoiding watching news is one way to lose/reduce our stress.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
116687 Tuesday Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-02-22 784
116686 HOMEWORK ¹Ú*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2022-02-22 4
116685 Why do you think family is important? ¾ç*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-22 4
116684 hw 2.22 Àå*º° ¿Ï·á 2022-02-22 290
116683 Homework ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2022-02-22 2
116682 gift! ±è*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-22 3
116681 Homework ÀÌ*ºó ¿Ï·á 2022-02-22 143
116680 Homework ÇÔ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-22 1
116679 Korea to make public food prices at franchise to tame inflation À¯*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-02-22 1
116678 kits ±Ç*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-22 377
116677 Tell me the time when you had to prioritize ¹®*Çö ¿Ï·á 2022-02-22 773
116676 Homework ÀÓ*¼÷ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-22 1058
116675 What physical feature attracts you the most? ÀÌ*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-22 1
116674 2022.2.21 Àü* ¿Ï·á 2022-02-22 404
116673 2022.2.18 Àü* ¿Ï·á 2022-02-22 613
116672 Homework ½Å*¾Æ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-22 0
116671 homework ¹Ú*¼Ò ¿Ï·á 2022-02-22 619
116670 My exercise ÀÌ*³ª ¿Ï·á 2022-02-22 581
116669 What is your favorite English movie and why? ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2022-02-22 522
116668 Lesson Ȳ*±¸ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-22 431

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04