¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Social media is good at human communication.

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*ÁØ
2022-02-18 276

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

I agree that social media improves human communication.

When I became a director in my company. I don¡¯t know some people who are influential customers.Especially, at that time, Our company started a new business. so, I had to meet new customers.
From about 2 years ago, I have started posting on facebook everyday, while going home on the subway or on the bus.

Because of that, I have made many friends on facebook. The number of facebook friends is about 4,600, and than many of them have purchased our company¡¯s products, and some of them have promoted our company to their friends. even I have learned something from them, and sometimes I have helped them.

So, I think social media improve human communication very much.
I

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Happy Friday Elliot!! 

Wow! Thank you for narrating a bit of some background stories. I agree with your opinion too!   It is really very convenient to communicate nowadays because of social media. It also gave way to a lot of opportunities for business promotion. 

I want to commend you for your proper use of conjunctions!!!  I am so glad that you properly used "on Facebook". That is correct! When pertaining to a website or a social media platform, we use the conjunction "ON".

For today's corrections, please observe that there are some sentences which can be connected into one long sentence, while some long sentences can be divided into two simpler ones. Also please be careful in using commas and observe proper capitalization. Proper or specific names are capitalized. 
Also, be careful in choosing which verb tenses you will use.

I hope you will apply these tips to improve your next writing exercise!   Keep it up!!!

Have a great weekend!
-Teacher Violet.

I agree that social media improves human communication.
>> CORRECT!

When I became a director in my company. I don¡¯t know some people who are influential customers. 
>>  When I became a director in my company, I didn¡¯t know any influential customers. 

Especially, at that time, Our company started a new business. so, I had to meet new customers.
>> Especially at that time, our company started a new business so I had to meet new customers.


From about 2 years ago, I have started posting on facebook everyday, while going home on the subway or on the bus.
>> About 2 years ago, I started posting on Facebook everyday while going home on the subway or on the bus.

Because of that, I have made many friends on facebook. 
>> Because of that, I have made many friends on Facebook. 

The number of facebook friends is about 4,600, and than many of them have purchased our company¡¯s products, and some of them have promoted our company to their friends. 
>> The number of my Facebook friends is about  4,600. Many of them have purchased our company¡¯s products and some of them have promoted our company to their friends. 

even I have learned something from them, and sometimes I have helped them.
>> Even I have learned something from them, and I help them sometimes too/as well.

So, I think social media improve human communication very much.
>> So, I think social media helped improved human communication (very much)/(a lot).
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
116471 Homework ÀÌ*ºó ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 124
116470 How to beat Monday Blues? Ȳ*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 294
116469 lesson 3 homework ÀÌ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 521
116468 homework.6 ¾ç*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 470
116467 What springs to your mind when you hear the word ice cream? Ȳ*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 567
116466 Homework ÇÔ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 1
116465 Make a sentence using the given word. ÀÌ*Çö ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 455
116464 Do you believe that giving a gift to a special person is... ÀÌ*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 2
116463 When was the last time you were invited? ¾ç*ºó ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 2
116462 What are the advantages and disadvantages of working with a... ±è*Áö ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 600
116461 my major ÀÌ*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 594
116460 What\'s the most memorable vacation you\'ve had? ±è*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 561
116459 202z.2.15 Àü* ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 344
116458 2022.2.14 Àü* ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 529
116457 Do you think it\\\'s healthy to eat out often? Why or why not? Àå*¼ö ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 600
116456 homework ¹Ú*À± ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 456
116455 If you had a lot of money, what is the first thing you\'ll buy... ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 460
116454 2/15 homework ÀÌ*À¯ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-15 333
116453 How do you maintain your good health? / What do you think is the... ÁÖ*ºó ¿Ï·á 2022-02-15 541
116452 I\'m doing my homework...^^ ¹Ú*Çü ¿Ï·á 2022-02-15 184

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04