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Claire\'s Homework

작성자: 박*연
2022-02-08 413

회원님의 영작문



Homework: Do you think the government should impose stronger punishment on people who abuse animals?

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Thank you for this Claire.


In Korea, during national holidays: Seollal (Korean New Year’s Day), Chuseok (Korean Thanks Giving Day), etc. when people need to leave a house for a long time, many pets are being abandoned.

>>> In Korea, during national holidays such as Seollal (Korean New Year’s Day), Chuseok (Korean Thanks Giving Day), etc., people need to leave their house for a long time so many pets are being abandoned.  

It’s been a problem since a long time ago. 

>>> correct

>>> OR: It’s been a problem for quite a while.  

This is a phenomenon caused by pet owners’ irresponsible thoughts on small lives. 

>>> correct  

Stronger punishments should be imposed on animal abuse to awaken the preciousness of animals.

>>> correct  

   First of all, to increase the prevention rate of animal abuse.

>>> correct  

Currently, there are no proper proposed laws about abusing stray animals in Korea. 

>>> correct  

Therefore, people who abuse them are not scared of laws because even if they get caught by someone, it’ll end up in criticism from netizens and that’s all. 

>>> correct  

This should be completely changed. 

>>> correct  

People wouldn’t feel the gravity of the situation if there are no proper laws about it. 

>>>correct   

If there is severe punishment, no one would dare to abuse animals taking a risk of standing on the judge of the law. 

>>> correct  

>>> OR: If there is severe punishment, no one would dare to abuse animals taking a risk of standing against the law.

For instance, the crime rate of which world would be higher? 

>>> correct  

The world with strong law or the world without the law? 

>>>  correct   

Of course, the crime rate of a world without law is higher than one with strong law. 

>>>  correct   

The order exists when regulation exists. 

>>> correct    

For animals suffering from abuse, stronger punishment of law would help increase the prevention rate of animal abuse.

>>>  correct   

   Secondly, to awaken the self-reflection.

>>>  correct    

As I mentioned above, there are not many proper laws for animals suffering from the abuse of some nefarious people. 

>>> correct    

If the punishments are made severely, they would at least feel the gravity of what they have done. 

>>> correct    

Because the punishments against abusing animals are weak in Korea, the perpetrators would think about animal abuse lightly. 

>>>   correct  

If the perpetrators pay for the animal abuse severely, they might realize the weight of the crime that they have committed. 

>>>  correct   

If they receive a stronger punishment, they would naturally think about the reason they are receiving the punishment. 

>>> correct    

Accordingly, the punishment can give them time to think about what they have done wrongly. 

>>> correct    

It can be connected to self-reflection.

>>>  correct   

   The global village is the living foundation of many other lives not only humans. 

>>> correct    

Humans need to remind that the Earth is not their only possession of them. 

>>> Humans need to be reminded that the Earth is not only their possession.    

Like people respect each other’s cultures, country, different appearances, etc. we also need to respect and treat carefully animals to not to suffer. 

>>> correct    

Animals are also a life that has been born with dignity and the right not to be abused. 

>>>  correct  

In my opinion, if we harm a life, even if it is an animal, it is worth being punished strongly. 

>>> correct   

Harming a life, especially harming such a pure animal, it’s an obvious crime.

>>> correct   

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