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Writing

작성자: 김*원
2021-11-09 243

회원님의 영작문



Writing Topic - More people put their personal information online [address,telephone,number] for everyone such as socializing on social netwoks or baking purpose.
Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Good evening Chae Won. Thank you for sharing this writing topic with me. 
T. Irene 
There are pros and cons for the opinion about whether putting their personal information online can be beneficial to people.
>>> There are pros and cons to  putting  people's personal information online.
Some people think that putting their personal information can develop social skills.
>>> Some people think that putting their personal information can help them develop social skills. 
However, in my opinion, it is required governments to reinforce personal information protection, considering people can lead to their personal information from leakage.
>>> However, in my opinion,  governments need to reinforce personal information protection especially if these information can leak to other people.
It can be said that the governments’ reinforcing the personal information protection is not a selection but a necessity in the aspect of people’s personal information leakage.  
>>> This information security is necessary because of the problem on hacking. 
On the one hand, putting their personal information to online can make it possible for people to develop the social skills.
>>> On the one hand, putting their personal information  online can make it possible for people to develop  social skills.
Even though there are other factors for it, nothing is more fundamental factor than putting personal information on online.
>>> Even though there are other factors, nothing is more dangerous (alarming) than putting personal information  online.
According to Korean Times, one of the most renowned newspaper companies in Korea, over 85.2% of the 20s in Korea, who have used the INSTAGRAM for an hour a per day, showed the development of social skills.
>>> According to Korean Times, one of the most renowned newspaper companies in Korea, over 85.2% of Koreans in their 20s, who have used INSTAGRAM for an hour a  day, showed  development of social skills.
It shows how strongly using personal information on online affects peoples’ development social skills in a positive way.
>>>  It shows how strong use of social media affects people in a positive way.
On the other hand, putting their personal information to online can lead peoples to moan under their personal information leakage.
>>> On the other hand, putting their personal information  online can lead peoples to complain or suffer from leakage.
Despite the fact that using the using personal information to online is not the only element for it, it is the fatal case to people that can bring about people’s personal information leakage.
>>> Despite the fact that using personal information  online is not the only cause, however it can still expose them to  hacking.
Let’s take online phishing using a fake online banking website to show how personal information use online affects people’s personal information leakage as an example.
>>> Let’s take online 'phishing' using a fake online banking website to show how  this happens. 
Many of the online baking users have moaned under the fake online banking website.
>>> Many of  online banking users have complained about the fake online banking website.
As a result, many online banking users suffered from economic burden.
>>> Correct. 
As we can see in the example, putting their personal information to online can have a negative effect on the people’s personal information leakage.
>>> As we can see in the example, putting their personal information online can have a negative effect.
Hence, it goes without saying that governments should make a priority to reinforce personal information protection.
>>> Correct.
In conclusion, personal information from leakage can be considered the negative aspect of the issue, and thus governments should not hesitate to reinforce personal information protection.
>>> Correct.
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